I have an eight month old nephew. He is the cutest baby in the whole world. I know that everyone says that about the babies from their own families, but I’m not lying. The rest of the people that say that to you are lying. They may know a baby that is like second or third, but the cutest baby in the whole world is my nephew.
Did I mention that he kind of looks like me? I mean, he looks like my sister, and she kind of looks like me… so that makes sense. If you gave him little black frame glasses, a receding hairline and a three-day beard, he would be like a tiny version of me. He would look like a tiny hobo. He would be the cutest tiny hobo in the whole world (CTHITWW).
My mother is now known to everyone in my family (except me) as “Grandma”. I have to remind myself that my sister is talking about Mom and not my deceased grandmother when she says things like, “Look, there’s Grandma!”
“WHAT THE F…?! Oh, you mean Mom. ” Sorry, Grandma: if you reappear, I’m probably going to drop the F bomb. I’ll say a few Hail Mary’s later, I promise.
I went shopping with my sister, “Grandma” and the CTHITWW last Saturday. The CTHITWW sat in the shopping cart sucking on a bag of frozen peas. Occasionally, he would throw them on the floor and my sister would dutifully pick them up and trade them with a fresh bag of frozen vegetables from the front of the cart. This would make the CTHITWW very happy and he would cheerfully make a sound like a velociraptor. The sound would echo off the ceiling of the Super Walmart and be answered by another scream from across the store. Either there was another happy baby somewhere or we were being hunted.
While my sister and “Grandma” picked up some photos, I got to hold the CTHITWW. He looked at me and smiled brightly. I smiled back and then he grabbed my glasses and threw them on the floor. I picked them up and examined them. They were unharmed except for a thick layer of tiny fingerprints on the lenses, so I put them in my pocket. The CTHITWW screamed a delighted velociraptor victory scream. The softer answering scream came shortly after.
It is very difficult to hold the CTHITWW. He likes to stand sometimes, and if he is standing, he also likes to bounce. He likes to tip on one side and roll his body over and kick his legs out. He likes to lay himself out straight and to flail his arms wildly. If he is facing away from you, he feels that the best use of his legs is for launching his tiny body off of your lap. This makes holding the CTHITWW a bit like holding an octopus. It is a whole upper body work out to keep the child from throwing himself on the floor.
Somehow, I managed to keep the CTHITWW from leaping away. On the way out of the store our cart passed a cart with a baby girl that looked to be his age. Their eyes met and the two smiled at one another. The CTHITWW let out his great velociraptor scream. This time it was in stereo.
