Purple Blood Pressure Medication

I didn't cry for the Vikings last night.

I cried in 1998 when Gary Anderson missed the field goal. I even watched the Pro Bowl that year just to hold on briefly to the feeling of that magical season. Needless to say, it failed to satisfy. It was a very sad season.

When the ball sailed through the uprights last night and the confetti exploded into the Superdome, I spent a little time staring at my shoes and then I stoically began to pick up the empty beer bottles around me.

You see, the Vikings losing in that situation didn't surprise me at that point. What seemed unbelievable was their proximity to victory on the last drive of regulation time. I almost let myself believe it was going to happen.

So I recycled my beer bottles and went on with my life. I will always be a Vikings fan. I just wish they would make it a little easier.

Someday the Minnesota Vikings will win the Superbowl. On that day I will gather my grandchildren around and tell them about last night and that dark Sunday back in '98.

Go Vikes.

My Most Brilliatelligent Blog Post Ever

Today I heard someone say the word "ginormous."
I wonder where this word came from. I mean, I assume it's a combination of gigantic and enormous, but I'm not sure. Even if this is correct, however, it only raises more questions. The paramount among them being: what's wrong with the two original words?

I like describing things as gigantic or enormous. I think that the word humongous should have made a comeback. But instead, people chose to mangle two perfectly descriptive words to make a third word that sounds like a mistake.
It sounds like a mistake because it is a mistake.

There is only one situation in which I would allow myself to use the word "ginormous." I would need to be confronted with a giant chicken. It would have to be a really big chicken. I'm not talking house-height here either. This chicken would have to be way taller than a house. If, and only if I saw a chicken that was way taller than a house, you might here me say, "holy crap, that chicken is ginormous."

However, I have noted the popularity of the word and I would like to stake the ground on a few future additions to the lexicon.

You heard them here first:

Terribulous
Supicial
Hunormtic
Idiupid
Funnilarious
Delumptious
Paingonizing
Annoyitating
Repitundant
Beautifitacularizinglioustasticalular.

You're welcome, my legacy.

New Year's Delusion

In 2010, I resolve to:

1. Watch less television.

2. Floss four times a day.

3. Lose 100 lbs... a month... for the entire year. I believe that -900 lbs. is my ideal weight. If I was -900 lbs., I could finally be comfortable with myself.

4. Figure out health care in the U.S. and a way to peace in the Middle East (in no particular order).

5. Take a multivitamin.

6. Dig more holes.

7. Become Batman.

8. Sleep outside at least once.

9. Get in an argument with an employee at Taco John's.

10. Add to this blog more frequently.