HO, HO, HO, Ha, ha, ha... ha... BLAM!

My hair is rebelling against me.
It's been drawing back on the top of my head for some time. Now I've noticed that the hair at my temples is turning gray. Just a few of them are standing out at the moment, but I can read the writing on the wall.

I've always planned on taking this inevitability in stride. But now that it's happening, I'll admit that I'm a little concerned. How will I handle this?

Let me take you to the future. Let me take you to a place where flying cars, self-drying jackets and hover boards are common.
Let me take you to the year 2015.

It's been six years since I last shaved. The few gray hairs at my temples have spread and now I have a snowy-white mane. I'm like a crazed, trumpet-wielding Santa Claus.

I'm married to Megan Fox. It was a difficult courtship, but finally I was able to forgive her for starring in Transformers 2. We are currently living happily on a floating city created entirely of empty water bottles made as a refuge from rising sea levels. We have a pet polar bear. His name is Melty and we feed him canned tuna.

I can sense your incredulity concerning my ability to woo Megan Fox. The explanation is simple. You see, horn players in ska bands are the ultimate sex symbol in the year 2015. Our coupling surprised no one.

That's what I call taking it in stride.

PS... by the year 2015, all humans will have a tiny Apple product called the iLobe implanted in their brains at birth. The iLobe will hold 10,000 songs, 3,000 full-length movies and will make the entire human race completely obedient to the will of Steve Jobs.

Yeti Didn't Start the Fire

8 November 2009

Re:Your New Fence

Dear sir:

It has come to the attention of myself and my associate Timmy that you are building a new fence. It seems to be a very sturdy and well-built fence. However, we have a number of concerns.

Our main concern is that your fence is far too short to contain a Sasquatch.

In the first place, Sasquatches are very tall. Beyond that, they are known for their jumping ability. You may want to consider a roof for your fence. At the very least, we advise you install some sort of netting atop your Sasquatch pen. Caution is advised here, however, as a Sasquatch entangled in netting is an unhappy Sasquatch.

In addition, we are concerned that you may not know how to properly catch a Sasquatch. You should know that oatmeal cream pies are quite effective for luring Sasquatches. Timmy has told me that Sasquatches are also attracted to the sound of Billy Joel's studio recordings. In this he was very clear: NOTHING LIVE. I can neither confirm nor deny the idea that Sasquatches are fond of Billy Joel, but I trust Timmy's instincts and would advise you to do the same.

In closing, I would like to wish you the best of luck. You are off to a fine start, and soon Timmy and I hope to see your fenced-in yard teeming with Sasquatches.

If you have any questions feel free to contact us.

All the best,
D. Ralph Adams