Portly McHeavyset

So, I was sitting in my car alone and crying with a tube of Peanut Butter Patties (how do you eat your Girl Scout cookies?), when I started to think about a word that has come up quite frequently in my life.
The copy of The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary- New Third Edition that I have sitting next to my keyboard defines the word "fat" thus:
adj. [fat'ter, -test] 1, bulging with much, or too much, flesh; corpulent; plump. 2, consisting of fat; greasy. 3, rich in some desirable element. 4. fertile' fruitful; profitable. -n. 1, the oily solid substance in animal tissue, yellowish white in color; suet. 2, the best part of anything.

Now, I'm not publishing this lengthy excerpt out of self-pity. I just think that it's good to take a look at our language from time to time to see if we really know what we are talking about on a daily basis. Plus, I take any excuse I can find to use the italics button on the compose screen provided by Blogger. It makes the things I type seem more important without me having to really say anything very profound. See? And don't even get me started on how much I enjoy emboldening single digits. 2 much, 4 sure!

The TNAWHCD-NTE includes a couple of slang sub-definitions as well. For instance, they go on to define "chew the fat" as a fun and hip way of describing chatter. They define "fat cat" as "a wealthy person," "fat chance" as "little or no chance," and a "fat farm" as a "health spa" for (especially, but not exclusively) weight loss. Then it throws in a definition for "fat city." I had never heard of it, but thanks to this handy reference book I now know that "fat city" is "a state of material well-being." Learning is fun. Let's give it a try:
Joe Mauer just signed an eight year, $184 million contract with the Minnesota Twins, providing him permanent residence in fat city.

In kindergarten, children are taught to write five with this handy rhyme:
Mr. Five wears a hat, has a straight neck and a belly fat.
Six's rotund appearance is also pointed out:
Down, around and around more still. Mr. Six is a big, fat hill.

I've thought about it, and maybe it would help these number's self-esteem if we changed it up:
In the event that you need to write a five, you begin by tracing a straight, horizontal line from right to left. You then draw a straight vertical line down from the left endpoint of your initial line. Finish by creating a half-circle opening to the left and with it's top endpoint connected to the bottom endpoint of the vertical line previously created.

For six:
A six looks like this: 6. Draw it like this for the rest of your life.

What these new instructions lack in catchiness, they more than make up for in practicality and sensitivity.

So let's think about what we really mean when we call something "fat." Let's save this fascinating word for those things that it accurately describes- like the oily solid substance in animal tissue or suet. And let's all agree to never call anything or anyone phat again. That way we can get rid of that unique combination of confused flattery and self-loathing that it provides.

As for me, I'll know that the next time someone calls me "fat," they really mean that I am "the best part of anything."

The Sweetener

You fret over your size
so it's Diet you select.
Knowing your choice to be wise,
the flavor you neglect.

You've got only Coke Zero,
and nothing but Pepsi Free.
Now you're in need of a hero-
to keep your soiree from catastrophe.

So when I step into your party place,
you needn't have any fear
that your soda's watery taste
will ruin your festive cheer.

You see, I've got the Midas touch
with carbonated drink.
No more guests not saying much
because their softies stink.

In goes my finger, before you can try it,
I simply give it some swishes.
And now, though it's still technically Diet-
Your pop smells like regular and is just as delicious.

What Happened to the Dinosaurs?

I work in a Kindergarten classroom. I sit in tiny chairs. I lower myself as slowly as possible into the kid-sized chairs, but there is a certain point after which I am committed. When I reach this point, I must trust that the chair is there because gravity and momentum take over.


The other day in music, the Kindergarteners were learning a song. Sung to the tune of "Frère Jacques", the words are thus:

Brontosaurus, Stegosaurus,
T Rex too,
T Rex too,
These dinosaurs were once here,
they roamed the earth without fear.
Now they're gone...
Too da loo.
Too da loo.

The kids sang through the song with all of the motions that they had learned. It was adorable.
When they came to the last line, they were singing with confidence.

"Now they're gone...
Too da loo... th.
Too da loo... th."

We sang it three more times before we could convince the kids that the dinosaurs had gone extinct, and not to Duluth.