Effortless Winking and Other Talents Possessed By My Alter-ego

I only allow myself to drink on Sundays. It’s a part of my diet plan. Actually, I don’t allow myself to call it a “diet plan”. I prefer to call it a “lifestyle change”. Of course, calling it a “lifestyle change” makes me seem like one of those self-help junkies that never really seem to change during the “lifestyle change”. I think I’ll call it Project Kickass.

So, as I was saying, I only drink on Sundays because of Project Kickass. It follows that Sundays are now the only day that Neil makes an appearance. Neil is my drinking alter-ego. After I drink a certain amount, he enters the room. Neil often dances into the room. Neil is a dancer.

Neil is a talker. I don’t like to have Neil talking to people for too long. It’s not that I’m embarrassed by Neil- I’m afraid that if Neil were given enough time, he might run for public office. If Neil ran for public office, he would win. Neil knows how to build a constituency.
Neil knows how to talk to the ladies. Neil is not intimidated. He always remembers names and he knows how to flatter. Neil can wink. He can wink without closing both eyes or twisting up half his face like he’s having a stroke. Neil knows when to ask for a dance.

Neil knows politics, religion and economics. He will let you know who you should have voted for, give you some tips on meditation and has a very interesting investment opportunity to tell you about.

I can’t let Neil out more than once a week. Last Monday, I woke up with a personal check from a person with a very Russian sounding name, three voicemail messages from someone claiming to be my campaign manager, and the distinct feeling that I had been slapped only hours before.

I erased the voicemails, ate a healthy breakfast and went to the gym. It was time for Dave to take over the choice-making. Dave is most likely never going to run for office, but he’s going to work on the winking.


P.S. Don’t worry, Vlad, the bank won’t let me cash anything made out to Neil.