Thursday, March 25, 2010
Portly McHeavyset
So, I was sitting in my car alone and crying with a tube of Peanut Butter Patties (how do you eat your Girl Scout cookies?), when I started to think about a word that has come up quite frequently in my life.
The copy of The New American Webster Handy College Dictionary- New Third Edition that I have sitting next to my keyboard defines the word "fat" thus:
adj. [fat'ter, -test] 1, bulging with much, or too much, flesh; corpulent; plump. 2, consisting of fat; greasy. 3, rich in some desirable element. 4. fertile' fruitful; profitable. -n. 1, the oily solid substance in animal tissue, yellowish white in color; suet. 2, the best part of anything.
Now, I'm not publishing this lengthy excerpt out of self-pity. I just think that it's good to take a look at our language from time to time to see if we really know what we are talking about on a daily basis. Plus, I take any excuse I can find to use the italics button on the compose screen provided by Blogger. It makes the things I type seem more important without me having to really say anything very profound. See? And don't even get me started on how much I enjoy emboldening single digits. 2 much, 4 sure!
The TNAWHCD-NTE includes a couple of slang sub-definitions as well. For instance, they go on to define "chew the fat" as a fun and hip way of describing chatter. They define "fat cat" as "a wealthy person," "fat chance" as "little or no chance," and a "fat farm" as a "health spa" for (especially, but not exclusively) weight loss. Then it throws in a definition for "fat city." I had never heard of it, but thanks to this handy reference book I now know that "fat city" is "a state of material well-being." Learning is fun. Let's give it a try:
Joe Mauer just signed an eight year, $184 million contract with the Minnesota Twins, providing him permanent residence in fat city.
In kindergarten, children are taught to write five with this handy rhyme:
Mr. Five wears a hat, has a straight neck and a belly fat.
Six's rotund appearance is also pointed out:
Down, around and around more still. Mr. Six is a big, fat hill.
I've thought about it, and maybe it would help these number's self-esteem if we changed it up:
In the event that you need to write a five, you begin by tracing a straight, horizontal line from right to left. You then draw a straight vertical line down from the left endpoint of your initial line. Finish by creating a half-circle opening to the left and with it's top endpoint connected to the bottom endpoint of the vertical line previously created.
For six:
A six looks like this: 6. Draw it like this for the rest of your life.
What these new instructions lack in catchiness, they more than make up for in practicality and sensitivity.
So let's think about what we really mean when we call something "fat." Let's save this fascinating word for those things that it accurately describes- like the oily solid substance in animal tissue or suet. And let's all agree to never call anything or anyone phat again. That way we can get rid of that unique combination of confused flattery and self-loathing that it provides.
As for me, I'll know that the next time someone calls me "fat," they really mean that I am "the best part of anything."
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1 comment:
This is damn funny.
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